My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done: “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

My mother taught me religion: “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about time travel: “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me logic: “Because I said so, that’s why.”

My mother taught me more logic: “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

My mother taught me foresight: “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

My mother taught me irony: “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis: “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

My mother taught me about contortionism: “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me about stamina: “You’ll sit there until all those peas are gone.”

My mother taught me about weather: “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

My mother taught me about hypocrisy: “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

My mother taught me the circle of life: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

My mother taught me about behavior modification: “Stop acting like your father!”

My mother taught me about envy: “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

My mother taught me about anticipation: “Just wait until we get home.”

My mother taught me about receiving: “You are going to get it when you get home!”

My mother taught me medical science: “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

My mother taught me about ESP: “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

My mother taught me humour: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My mother taught me how to become an adult: “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

My mother taught me genetics: “You’re just like your father.”

My mother taught me about my roots: “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me wisdom: “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

My mother taught me about justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”